Experiences

Confessions of an ordinary mother

 My world was never that alluring as it was during pregnancy. I was mostly surrounded by watchful eyes of my elders who never left an opportunity to provide exceeding level of comfort which spoilt me.

I remember that I envisioned all day about my upcoming baby. My thoughts ran like hurricane. I often told myself, “I will exercise full control on him, I wouldn’t let him be messy; He won’t be cranky like other children and I will be the best guide to him.” I also vowed to equally give time to my other responsibilities like household work etc.

However, when I embraced tiny for the very first time, the sensational world of my dreams came shattering down in front of my eyes. I found myself peering into a dark alley. Old memories came flashing through my mind again and again.

Interestingly, my perception of being sanitary and being an ideal coach to tinywas a distant thing, I couldn’t even hold him appropriately for a week. I knew I was in predicament.  

His crying gave me headaches, and his existence was filled with chaos (which I personally never liked). From an organised, tidy person I turned into a maniac in single day.

I had no time to eat, shower, read or maybe just relax for a while. NO TIME at all. I cried all alone. This was proving to be the toughest time of my life. My exertion built up slowly which proved physically as well as mentally exhausting.

How much I enjoyed the hours when my mother took him away to another room. How much I loved when I paced out without him. How much I loved when somebody asked me, “Can I hold your baby?” How desperately I sought my blissful time of solitude.

Tiny, all this is my confession to you -

Not that I don’t love you, its just that I lost myself completely when you came into this world. Slowly as days passed, chaos became a part of my life.

I will be truthful. I sincerely enjoy my time when you are not around but all I think during that time is about YOU.

Nothing compares to you, tiny. Ever since you came into my life, nothing else is worth thinking about. During testing times, I find my solace in you.

I am just an ordinary mother trying to do something extra for my baby each day.